


Tales from the Gossip Column

by Backfired



Category: Borderlands (Video Games)
Genre: Established Relationship, Humor, Other, sometimes you just gotta write some stupid shit for your own amusement
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-11
Updated: 2020-04-11
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:13:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23585188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Backfired/pseuds/Backfired
Summary: Her email popped up right at the top. The subject line read:FW:The Galaxy Times: Big Scoop from Promethea! Atlas CEO Fraternizing with Company Assassin?!Oh god. He was already dreading this.Bracing himself, he clicked through to read the full article.
Relationships: Rhys/Zer0 (Borderlands)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 116





	Tales from the Gossip Column

**Author's Note:**

> he/him pronouns used for canon consistency. feel free to headcanon zer0 as nonbinary though, bc wow u can use he/him pronouns and still be nb :O

It was getting late in the evening already, and Rhys was busy replying to tedious work emails in his dimly lit office, when he received an Echo call from Fiona. 

“Hey, dipshit,” she greeted.

Rhys heaved a sigh, “Fiona. Always a pleasure.”

“Yeah I know, pleasant is my middle name. Anyway, check out the email I just sent you. It’s a riot. Call me back when you’re done reading.” And then promptly hung up without waiting for his reply.

Rhys pinched at the bridge of his nose, wondering if he should actually humor her or finish working first. Deciding that she’d probably fly over to Promethea and kick him in the balls herself if he left her hanging, he refreshed his inbox in resignation. 

Her email popped up right at the top. The subject line read: 

FW: _The Galaxy Times_ : Big Scoop from Promethea! Atlas CEO Fraternizing with Company Assassin?!

Oh god. He was already dreading this.

Bracing himself, he clicked through to read the full article.

**Big Scoop from Promethea! Atlas CEO Fraternizing with Company Assassin?!**

Written by: pleasedontkillmezer0 Smith

> You heard it here first, folks! That’s right, we have reliable _insider info_ that the **CEO of Atlas** , Reese StrongFork, is _fucking_ his company’s very own _personal assassin_ , the infamous former **Vault Hunter Zer0**! How did a wimp with a name like Reese get with that badass **Vault Hunter**? Man, I wish I knew! 
> 
> Sources say that the _scandalous couple_ have been together for over a year now! How did we not hear about their _salacious consorting_ earlier?! I hope it’s not because that stone cold killer is threatening our poor corporate captain with bodily harm! Unless he’s _into that sort of thing_ , catch my drift? 
> 
> Multiple sources have corroborated that they’ve caught the dynamic duo partaking in _non-business-like activities_ around the Atlas headquarters and the Meridian Metroplex, such as going out on _coffee dates_ , and * _gasp_ * eating _dinner_ together! What incriminating evidence! 
> 
> However, what really sealed the deal for many sources was the fact that our favorite mass murderer was seen disappearing into the **CEO’s** office for _hours_ at a time, sometimes _never_ seen coming out! Man, I wonder what kind of kinky shenanigans those two get up to in there, huh? 
> 
> There have also been reports of strange noises that sound like the **CEO** _moaning_ and _groaning_ coming from the office itself, as testified by someone who apparently works in an office attached right next to the **CEO’s**! Damn, I know **Zer0** knows his way around a _blade_ , but Reese must really be enjoying a _special type_ of _skewering_ to make that much noise, know what I mean? 
> 
> Well, with all our evidence laid out, it’s hard to deny that the two are _happily hobnobbing_ all over the Atlas stronghold! But despite all our ribbing, the two make quite a power couple! Those are definitely two people I would not want to cross paths with on the wrong side! Please don’t kill me for writing this article! I need to pay rent and writing tabloid articles pays like shit! PLEA—

The article ended abruptly there. Rhys sat back in his chair slowly, cheeks flaming. At first he’d been offended at their egregious misspelling of his name, but after reading the article he was actually quite relieved that his real name wasn’t attached to such horrendous hogwash. 

Not that he and Zer0 _weren’t_ actually fucking—surprise, surprise—but the way they made it sound was just terrible, and embarrassing. Terribly embarrassing. First of all—since when were coffee outings and dinner meetings incriminating evidence? They were business meetings, damnit, business! 

And as for the Zer0 disappearing into his office thing, first off, he had his whole invisibility schtick, as everyone seems to have collectively forgotten, which meant he could come and go from the office with no one the wiser, and second of all, there was a secret exit! It was how Katagawa had kidnapped him after all. 

And as for the moaning and groaning—he’d have to have words with his janitor Terry about blabbing to the press—that was, embarrassingly enough, because Rhys tended to get vocal when frustrated. And being a CEO of a company that he had to rebuild from the ground up was definitely one of the most frustrating jobs out there. Just because he tended to throw a few fits and tantrums around his office sometimes didn’t mean that he and Zer0 were having wild sex in there! (Although yes, maybe he’d fantasized about office sex a few times. Or many times.) Sadly, every time Zer0 visited him in his office things were strictly business-only. They kept work and their relationship _mostly_ separate—to keep up appearances of course. Unfortunately his employees seemed to not buy it at all and spun wild theories to any old tabloid journalist. 

Oh god, he just remembered he had to call Fiona back. Maybe he could just pretend he never read the article and hope that she eventually forgot about it? He debated braving the consequences of that for a few moments, but once again, fear won out, and he reluctantly started an Echo call to Fiona.

She picked up right away.

“Well hey, that was fast. Figured you’d chicken out after reading it and never call me back.”

A bit irked that he had been called out for just about doing exactly that, he cleared his throat and replied, “Hey, I keep my promises. But what did you send me that for anyway, huh? Just to watch me wither and die from embarrassment?” 

She let out a loud laugh, “That was definitely part of it, yeah. But no, mostly to give you a heads up. I feel like you’ve always got your head in the clouds and don’t realize how big of a target you are now, as Atlas’s CEO. Now that news of you and Zer0 being a thing is out, you might wanna keep it down low for a while. I’m sure Zer0 can take care of any more hits placed on him, but he has just as many enemies as you, if not more, and I’m worried about your safety. He can’t babysit you _and_ do his job at the same time.” 

Rhys was rendered speechless for a moment, surprised and touched by Fiona’s genuine concern. 

“Wow...I…..thanks,” he managed after a moment, “I mean it. Um. Yeah, you’re right, I guess it is a big deal now that our relationship is Galaxy-wide news. I knew what I was getting into from the start though, and Zer0 always has my back.” He chuckled, “Surprisingly, babysitting me _is_ actually part of his job.”

Fiona scoffed, “Well I hope he’s getting paid enough to deal with your whiny baby ass. Anyway, glad you have some things set straight. Can’t take too much more of this heartfelt talk shit anymore though, so I’m gonna hang up now. Don’t be a stranger.” And then hung up _again_ , without waiting for Rhys’s reply. 

Rhys sat back with a sigh. With the news out, the upcoming few months would be tense, and he’d have to watch his back and be on the constant lookout. This was bound to happen eventually though, and looking out for rival assassins was hardly a new addition to his routine. He’d deal, Zer0 would deal, and they’d continue to _happily hobnob_ all over Atlas HQ, thank you very much.

* * *

Bonus:

DoomGuy the Destroyer laughed and spat blood all over Zer0’s visor as the assassin pinned him to the wall.

“This won’t be the last you see of me, Vault Hunter! My flesh may perish, but my legacy continues on! I already have orders in place to nab your little CEO boyfriend and send him to his untimely death! I will destroy your most precious thing you hold dear! I will eviscerate your heart’s—“ and was cut off as Zer0 slashed clean through his windpipe, a glorious spray of blood jetting forth from his neck and dousing Zer0’s suit as his head rolled to his feet. The assassin tossed his limp body to the side and deactivated his sword. What an unworthy opponent. His blade hungered for a greater challenge. 

What DoomGuy had said before his demise had been most curious, however. Boyfriend? Zer0 was indeed dating Rhys, but since when had that been common knowledge? Even if DoomGuy’s threats had been unfounded though, it did worry him enough that he patched a call through to Rhys to make sure he was alright. 

“Haha, yeaaahh...about that,” Rhys replied once Zer0 had explained his call. 

“You know what, here, I’ll just forward it to you. Way less embarrassing than explaining it in person. Uh, call me back I guess. Or don’t. It might be less scarring for the both of us if you don’t. _Okayloveyoubye_.” And then he uncharacteristically hung up before Zer0 could reply.

Curiosity piqued, Zer0 opened his inbox and saw Rhys’s recently forwarded email. He read the subject line.

_Ah, I see,_ he thought. _News really does travel fast._

And then against his better judgment, clicked through to read the article. 


End file.
